Am I going crazy over the last two weeks? Things are great like actually great, my mental state is amazingly still which hasn’t happened in a long period of time. On the other hand, my mental state is about to crush anytime because things and feelings I used to trust for the last two years might be going to end.
And this actually makes me sad. Makes me sad as nothing could.
A very close person of mine is not close anymore. Because of time, because of myself, because of the way this person is….
Nothing lasts forever, even tho I thought this would last longer than that. Therapy is a powerful thing. If you really want to figure out yourself, if you really want to know what is going on inside you and why you do things you do, therapy helps a lot.
What I realized is that I am a person that loves too much and I always thought my love is needed. Anyways, this is a whole different story that I already thought through. Things have the end. My love and my relationship probably are going to end too.
The last two weeks were eye-opening. If you know what is going on in the world you probably know, many people get sick. The same happened to yangu. Usually, you think a person of yours wants to share the pain with you, the way he feels, how much things bother him when shit like this happens. And that what I thought about too. The reality beats me harder than I thought I could take. For two weeks I have not been having an idea of how is he. The normal “I’m okay” is not an answer. Someone who I thought was really close to me became a stranger and nothing in the world could break me as hard as this.
I’m typing it and crying and it hits me much when I see things on paper. How much him not talking to me hurts me. How much it hurts to not being needed at such a moment. How bad my own expectations punch my face.
I feel so small and empty. And vulnerable. And exposed. And now it becomes funny because those are his words, I keep them rolling on my mind and they feel so right. And I can’t swallow it, frankly saying I didn’t even try to. Feels like the boat we were in keeps him in and I’m outside and nothing can help me to get back.
He is alone there now. And I am alone here. And us does not exist anymore….